Archives of The Cheerful Oncologist, Volume 2

[Editor’s Note: We recommend that you read this interesting letter to the editor all the way through before clicking on the footnotes.]

To The Editor:

I want to bring your attention to two recently published scientific studies that have health implications for us all. The first study found that incarcerated females who are exposed to hazardous doses of ultraviolet B radiation and have around-the-clock access to exercise (using the typical machine offered in prison [1]) are less likely to develop skin cancers compared to a control group exposed to the same UVB, but without access to exercise (those cruel prison guards [2] - may they drop dead)!

Forgive me for getting emotional [3]. In the second study, individuals with a genetic mutation that puts them at a very high risk of developing colon polyps (which can progress into cancer) were sold into slavery [4] and given access to a similar exercise program as mentioned above. Shockingly, these poor citizens were fed the same amount of food [5] and water as the control group (also afflicted with the genetic mutation) who did not have access to the exercise machine, thereby ensuring that the more physically active group went into a negative energy balance (again, a horrific crime against murinity [6] if you ask me).

Pardon my editorializing. Well, as you might guess, those subjects who exercised all lived, whereas one fourth of the poor comrades who were confined to their cell died - within ten weeks, I might add.

I appreciate your efforts in relaying this exciting bit of news to the general populace. If more of us would just get out and exercise, we will not only reduce our risk of acquiring skin and colon cancer, but decrease our chances of being captured by the Evil Empire [7]. After all, none of those fatsos [8] could ever catch us in a foot race, let alone fit through the doorway of our home [9].

Jerry [last name withheld for privacy reasons],
Mus Musculus, Mississippi

footnotes:

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