Just Tip Me Over and Pour Me Out!
“FDA Rejects Health Claim for Green Tea“
You know, out here in mainstream America we’re all trying our best to reform our wicked ways and adopt a healthier lifestyle. I myself have made a personal commitment to eat no more than one chocolate bar per day…to run vigorously several times a week…to eschew the devil’s temptations as righteously as a prairie pastor. We all want to do the right thing. Some of us have even taken up tea drinking as a way to consume crucial compounds contained within (called polyphenols) that have been considered counteractive against cancer. Why, even the prestigious National Cancer Institute has a page on its website devoted to tea polyphenols. In the laboratory it has been proven that these compounds “may reduce abnormal cell growth and inflammation; help the body get rid of cancer-causing agents, and restore communication between different cells in the body.” Sounds great - now what the heck is the deal with this peremptory headline?
Wait a just a second - did that quote from the NCI state the polyphenols do reduce or may reduce cancer cell growth? Is there any doubt as to whether or not a nice cuppa is brimming with miraculous cures for our assorted ailments?
Yes, Virginia, there are some dandy flaws - flaws in the proof that green tea reduces the incidence not only of heart disease as mentioned above, but of colon cancer as well. A report from the University of Minnesota using a meta-analysis of 25 different studies concludes that “despite the strong evidence from in vitro and non-human in vivo studies in support of green and black tea as potential chemopreventive agents against colorectal cancer, available epidemiologic data are insufficient to conclude that either tea type may protect against colorectal cancer in humans.”
Well, that’s certainly encouraging - if you live inside a Petri dish or if you’re non-human (please, no cracks about ex-boyfriends), you can sip away in confidence knowing that your cells are all safe and sound from the Big Bad Wolf. In the meantime the humans and humanoids on this planet will have to decide whether it is worth it to continue brewing green tea, which in my opinion tastes similar to a steaming mug of freshly boiled caterpillars. I guess this is where research comes in, that someday some scientist will find a salutary use for the stuff. In the meantime I’ll imbibe a cup on faith alone, and read a happy line or two about our friend Camellia sinensus.
INTERNET DISRUPTION UPDATE: Flash! What jolly cancer doc still has no access in his home, due to the lassitude of the local cable company? Will our hero leave his office today and return to a darkened cave, where no human contact is possible, or will his beloved home computer sing with news, blogs and emails offering the finest products available for purchase since the invention of the home-brewing kit? Stay tuned!
[Editor’s note: there ain’t no chance his cable is hooked up yet, the poor shlimazel…]
