Perfidious Albion
Oh, to be in England
Now that April’s there,
-Robert Browning
Sometimes it just goes from bad to worse. Now there’s a new study out stating that residents of our former lord and master country are healthier than us Americans.
“Americans Lag Far Behind English in Overall Health“
Even after adjusting the results for differences in socioeconomic status, race (white people were the subject of this particular survey), obesity, smoking and alcohol consumption “a significant health disparity remained.”
Oh, why, why, why did my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather ever leave that garden of Eden, blessed Albion? How could he willingly condemn his precious heir, that man-about-town, that black-tie-and-tails bon vivant with gin-and-vermouth cologne (namely me) to such an early, cruel death?
“Overall, rates of self-reported disease were consistently and significantly highter among Americans than the English.” These diseases included diabetes, hypertension, myocardial infarction, stroke, lung disease and cancer.
Oh, is that all? Why don’t they fight fair and ask which country is afflicted with more flatulence, or halitosis, or mingy*? Or is this just another grim example of the Ugly American whining about being in second place?
Say, what about the fact that the British have free health care? It didn’t seem to matter, as even Americans in the highest income and education levels, who basically have unfettered access to care, still had a higher incidence of those naughty bete noires lurking two paragraphs above.
The researchers even measured objective signs of disease, such as C-reactive protein, in order to determine if Americans are just self-reporting more health problems than their English counterparts. Even the results from common blood tests that predict serious health problems were worse in Americans, which may explain why my uncle Louie speaks with an accent like Cary Grant.
“Future research may find one or more of the following factors to underlie the English-American health gap:”
Childhood disease (”Hey look! They put another soda machine in the lunchroom!”)
Obesity (Doctor: “So what do you like to eat, Mr. Jones? Patient [smiling]: “Everything!”)
Stress (”Oh, Lordy, when am I going to find time to put some content on this blog?”)
The author concedes that no one specific factor can explain why our health is poorer than the English - he denies the existence of a smoking gun, and believes a combination of causes is most likely.
Ladies and Gentlemen, far be it from me to possess supernatural powers of perspicacity or wisdom, but vis-a-vis this observation that Americans are sicker than Brits, could it in part be due to the fact that we Americans actually enjoy telling doctors our complaints, that we love to make our problems their problems, that unlike great-grandpa, who on the day of his heart attack drank a bicarbonate of soda and then took a nap, we modern patients like to keep our doctors up to date on every little burp we had during the week? That old saying about whosoever asks his barber whether or not he needs a haircut is certain to get one might just apply here.
Doctors are in the business of treating health problems. If we don’t have any problems then they don’t have any business and will likely be found at two o’clock in the afternoon sitting in their chair reading an old copy of Esquire. Fortunately for the docs, one can’t go longer than 60 seconds without being reminded (via every possible medium available in this country) that one just might have a health problem - and after being continuously bombarded with the possibility that one might be the victim of social phobia or a schwanz that perhaps is a little too herabhangend, can you blame Americans for their quest for perfection?
Besides, isn’t is better to be diagnosed with a disease and have it successfully treated, than to walk around perfectly healthy (according to one’s survey results), only to drop dead while on a tour of London?
Just a thought.
*mingy: as defined by my dear friend The Arkansas Cardiologist during a lively game of Balderdash in 1987. He wrote it as “hair grease left on the back of a bus headrest.” Not surprisingly, he lost by about 5000 points.
