Behave Yourself!
My God, is nothing sacred? It’s already bad enough that some of the more hapless members of our species who, in a bit of heavenly monkeyshines, were born with humiliatingly defective genes now coming to life like Frankenstein’s monster and guaranteeing a life of high cholesterol and other hereditary predicaments. But coffee? Dear, slick, hot, compost-heapy, slurpy, nutty, jangle-your-nervy-nerves coffee? Are you telling me that I might have to risk a heart attack every time I order up a double choco-peppermint caffe’ macchiato with whipped cream? Where am I going to get my daily jolt if not from coffee, and don’t tell me to forgo the caffeine. I tried that once, with devastating consequences.
Must we persist in this relentless search to find every “genetic variation” hiding within our DNA foot locker? When will some respected authority finally announce that it’s time to stop punishing the human race for being alive and let us eat and drink what we want? Heaven knows we all want to live long enough to become a burden to our children, but don’t you think it’s time we put our personal habits into the proper perspective? It seems that the know-it-alls are on a mission to take all pleasure away from anyone who lives long enough to become a legal adult. First it was laudanum, then cocaine, then absinthe, followed by marijuana and alcohol (oh, wait - booze made it back into our good graces in ‘33) - and now caffeine?
Unfortunately, as a respected member of the medical community I feel it is my duty to set a good example to my patients. Hell itself will freeze over before I give up caffeine, let alone a genetic predisposition to colorful language, but as penance for all my prior sins, and as a public service to my readers, I grudgingly announce that I am making the following changes in my lifestyle:
1. I promise to get no less than eight hours of sleep per night. (Of course this means that the dog, being denied her punctual 3 A.M. trip to the back yard, will now whiz all over the carpet while I slumber).
2. I hereby eschew all coffee, no matter how hard the baristas work to disguise it as a frothy melted Milky Way bar, and will drink only virginal tea leaves harvested from the shady side of the Himalayas during a full moon.
3. Exercise is now part of my daily routine, not just something I get after a hot dog stand owner yells “Stop thief!” (Do you know how hard it is to run and spread on mustard at the same time?)
4. The following potentially detrimental habits, although not yet revealed to shorten one’s life, will now and forever be banned from my person, lest I read about them in Newsweek next year and drop dead from the shock. They are: public flatulence, a cavalier attitude when applying deodorant, comb-overs, an excessive affection for garlic, a certain lackadaisical attitude about stepping in doggy doo-doo, shaving off back hair, and last but not least snapping one’s fingers to the beat in front of the kids when “Knock Three Times” comes on the radio.
Genetic variations be damned, I’m going to do my part to live to be a hundred years old! I just hope they’re still playing reruns of all my favorite shows if I make it that far. After all, what are we working so hard to live so long for, if not for the things we value most?
Going to laughing quietly to myself each time I think of this post! People will think I’ve lost my noodles, and try to correct the situation for me …
Comment by Moof — March 11, 2006 @ 6:54 am
Eshew all coffee! Come on, O.C., go back and re-read the article.
It says “NON-fatal” heart attack.
What are you worried about?
Comment by mchebert — March 11, 2006 @ 3:41 pm
I can’t seem to figure out the “devastating consequences” link. Yeah, but non-fatal? I’d just keep drinking, occasionally pounding my chest like da bears’ fans.
Comment by Ali — March 11, 2006 @ 6:23 pm
mchebert… it’s coffee that we are talking about. I quit smoking finally because they said it gave you heart disease and cancer (I got the cancer any way, but am well on the way to licking it) I gave up sugar because they said “empty calories” I gave up booze (ok, not that hard because who likes feeling out of control and hung over), I gave up fatty meats because of cholesterol. Give up coffee, now they’ve quit preaching about whats healthy and gone to meddling. Can’t, won’t, not gonna give up my morning joe.
I’m with you doc… Just Say No to the naysayers.
Comment by GM Roper — March 12, 2006 @ 5:18 am
Won’t the medical community decide whether coffee/caffeine is good or bad for you once and for all? Last I heard, coffee was touted as a great source of anti-oxidants. It certainly makes my life as a student possible!
Comment by Anon Student — March 13, 2006 @ 1:15 am
I’m going with Woody Allen here. Someday we’re going to find out that all that low fat stuff is poison, and we’ll be eating chocolate for our health! I’m just starting early. /nod
Comment by Bardiac — March 13, 2006 @ 5:30 pm
My family lives to the late 80’s, even while smoking. Some of them drink so much they don’t know how old they are. But, my mother never drank, never smoked, and ran 30 minutes 2-3 times a week to avoid osteoporosis until the paraneoplastic syndrome from her thymic carcinoma hit. We obviously don’t have the killer caffeine gene. Pass the Venti latte with an extra shot.
Comment by beverly — March 21, 2006 @ 7:00 am
I was born with caffeine in my system and I will die with caffeine in my system and between the two I will live with caffeine in my system! Viva la caffeine! Viva la me!
Comment by Kim — April 9, 2006 @ 7:42 am
I’m printing this one out and taking it to my oncologist next time I see him. He’ll wet his pants!
Comment by Emmy — April 11, 2006 @ 12:31 am