Chocoholics Anonymous Files for Bankruptcy
“Mars Inc., maker of Milky Way, Snickers and M&M candies, next month plans to launch nationwide a new line of products made with a dark chocolate the company claims has health benefits.”
No! It can’t be! If this story is true this is the greatest news I’ve ever heard in my life, except for the day they cancelled the “Donny & Marie” show. The wizards of Willy Wonka land are whipping up giant tubs of the stuff that sweet dreams are made of - as a way to improve our health? This does seem a bit dubious - perhaps we should take a closer look at this story to see if the company’s claims convey correct conclusions.
First let’s look at the headline: “Candy Makers Cater to the Health-Conscious.” They’re kidding, right? Since when do the health-conscious complain that they’re not getting enough high-fat high-sugar chocolate in their lives? Wait a minute - the headline is misleading. It seems that the chocolate used here, called “CocoaVia”, is packed with flavanols, “an antioxidant found in cocoa beans that is thought to have a blood-thinning effect similar to aspirin and may even lower blood pressure.”
Sound the trumpets! Let the chorus begin to sing all praises to thee, O Mars, the god of chocolicious ecstasy, and now the patron of all vigorously beating hearts and oil-slick smooth arteries.
“But researchers are skeptical about using chocolate for its medicinal purposes and experts warn it’s no substitute for a healthy diet. With obesity already a serious problem, ‘the last thing we need is for Americans to think they can eat more chocolate,’ said Bonnie Liebman from the Center for Science in the Public Interest.”
Oh, that’s it - throw water on our party even before we get started. Well, I’m not going to just stand around and let researchers or professors or spokespersons from some Orwellian social “center” put my life at risk. I’m turning over a new leaf as of today and damn the consequences. I hereby ask all those within earshot of my voice to join me now and raise their right hand to take The Cheerful Oncologist’s Oath for Healthy Living:
I (state your name),
Do hereby solemnly pledge to eat dark chocolate
Without guilt or shame
For the rest of my life
Or until they invent chocolate-flavored scotch whisky,
So help me Hershey.
Let the healing begin, and may all those who choose to join me in this noble quest for perfect health and longevity be blessed with the sweetest breath if not the stickiest fingers ever recorded since the dawn of time.
Nobody does links better. I only wish I had hit play on the battle hymn as I read the rest of your post, for that soaring-heart effect.
Comment by Ali — February 21, 2006 @ 5:27 pm
I keep telling my co-workers that chocolate is one of the seven food groups!
Comment by Yvonne — February 21, 2006 @ 9:11 pm
I have taken the oath! Though I felt little guilt in eating dark chocolate before I took the oath. Is that wrong?
Comment by Chickadee — February 22, 2006 @ 12:04 am
It makes babies happier too! Once while checking in at my OB’s office they had an article taped to the counter - women who consumed a bit of dark chocolate every day gave birth to happier babies. Cross my heart, hope to die, honest!
Comment by Amka — February 23, 2006 @ 5:08 pm
Wow, how do you link to a sound file? Probably simple, but I liked it. As a lover of dark chocolate AND clever links, all I can say is bravo!
Comment by donorcycle — February 25, 2006 @ 9:02 pm
People will do anything to justify eating sugar. I love chocholate but I understand that it’s not the greatest thing to be eating in the world. Researchers can’t seem to make up their minds about what’s good or bad.. Look at eggs!! One minute their bad for you and the next good.. Who can keep up?
Moderation is the key!
Comment by NPs Save Lives — February 27, 2006 @ 2:55 pm
Giggle giggle, I took the oath!
Comment by Mary Janelle — March 1, 2006 @ 1:43 am
Dark chocolate naturally is bitter. So, to mellow it, they have to add….sugar! Cocoa butter is actually not a particularly bad fat, I believe. Others may have more info on that.
Comment by John J. Coupal — March 3, 2006 @ 5:33 am
Hey, I liked Donny and Marie!
I really did.
I don’t like dark chocolate.
I like milk chocolate more. Dark chocolate isn’t sweet enough for me.
But I’ll take the oath anyway! For my health….
Comment by Kim — March 31, 2006 @ 3:55 am
This was an oath I could definately live with. Now if you could tell me the same thing about coffee I’d be doing good. I love reading your blog, it’s so interesting getting a view from the other side of the desk.
Comment by Sweeti — May 10, 2006 @ 5:37 am