Chocoholics Anonymous Files for Bankruptcy
“Mars Inc., maker of Milky Way, Snickers and M&M candies, next month plans to launch nationwide a new line of products made with a dark chocolate the company claims has health benefits.”
No! It can’t be! If this story is true this is the greatest news I’ve ever heard in my life, except for the day they cancelled the “Donny & Marie” show. The wizards of Willy Wonka land are whipping up giant tubs of the stuff that sweet dreams are made of - as a way to improve our health? This does seem a bit dubious - perhaps we should take a closer look at this story to see if the company’s claims convey correct conclusions.
First let’s look at the headline: “Candy Makers Cater to the Health-Conscious.” They’re kidding, right? Since when do the health-conscious complain that they’re not getting enough high-fat high-sugar chocolate in their lives? Wait a minute - the headline is misleading. It seems that the chocolate used here, called “CocoaVia”, is packed with flavanols, “an antioxidant found in cocoa beans that is thought to have a blood-thinning effect similar to aspirin and may even lower blood pressure.”
Sound the trumpets! Let the chorus begin to sing all praises to thee, O Mars, the god of chocolicious ecstasy, and now the patron of all vigorously beating hearts and oil-slick smooth arteries.
“But researchers are skeptical about using chocolate for its medicinal purposes and experts warn it’s no substitute for a healthy diet. With obesity already a serious problem, ‘the last thing we need is for Americans to think they can eat more chocolate,’ said Bonnie Liebman from the Center for Science in the Public Interest.”
Oh, that’s it - throw water on our party even before we get started. Well, I’m not going to just stand around and let researchers or professors or spokespersons from some Orwellian social “center” put my life at risk. I’m turning over a new leaf as of today and damn the consequences. I hereby ask all those within earshot of my voice to join me now and raise their right hand to take The Cheerful Oncologist’s Oath for Healthy Living:
I (state your name),
Do hereby solemnly pledge to eat dark chocolate
Without guilt or shame
For the rest of my life
Or until they invent chocolate-flavored scotch whisky,
So help me Hershey.
Let the healing begin, and may all those who choose to join me in this noble quest for perfect health and longevity be blessed with the sweetest breath if not the stickiest fingers ever recorded since the dawn of time.
