Archives of The Cheerful Oncologist, Volume 2

Yesterday we had a fishing contest, which allowed me the opportunity to demonstrate my skills in rigging lines with hooks, leaders and lures. I regret to announce that when the gun sounded at 10:00 A.M., signifying the start of the event, I was sitting quietly on the beach in a trance, lost in a spiderweb of line attempting to make our tackle sea-worthy. The casual beachcomber who happened to amble by as I was tying knots would have no doubt observed the similarity between my dexterity and that of a grizzly bear harvesting salmon out of an Alaskan river.

After finally loading up the ship with enough equipment to haul in a school of Chilean sea bass we set sail. With my son as first-mate, we navigated through troughs and swells, over fields of green weeds (remind me to avoid the arugula when contemplating menus in the future), and with our faces whipped by the wrath of Boreas, we sent our offerings to the mysterious inhabitants of the deep in hopes that they would find them as delectable as I do a silver plate of Beluga on toast.

Our journey was not without incident, as the typical police report would say. In the hopes that future anglers will read this brief missive and file it under the catagory of “Don’t Let This Happen to You”, I offer the following tidbits of advice, as painful as they are to recall:

1. One must use the utmost of precaution when tossing any liquids from the bow of a boat reeling in the face of a stiff wind.

2. There is no quick and masterful way to remove a fishing lure that has become inexplicably lodged between the shoulder blades of one’s shirt.

3. Fish have sharp fins; fisherpersons have soft, doughy hands. The chemical reaction that occurs when, as Hardy would say, the convergence of the twain occur, can produce only blood, toil, tears and cuss words.

4. The most foul utterance that could ever escape the chapped lips of the ersatz Ahab during a fishing trip is this: “backlash”.

5. If at all possible, try to establish that all members of the boating party are either seated or securely lashed to the mizzenmast before hitting the throttle with the same amount of vigor as if seeing the green light at a drag race.

6. When the fish are on the stringer and the sun is high in the sky - steer for home and a nice hot lunch.

And remember, a fishing trip without catching any fish is just a long, boring boat ride.