Tell Me That You’ll Wait for Me
What do doctors dream of? Do they sink their heads in their pillows each night anticipating at least a small role in the wildest party Slumberland has ever thrown? If not assigned to be in Titus Andronicus, can they at least hope to play the disc jockey who entertains a whirlwind of beautiful people gyrating on the dance floor? Or do they settle uneasily into their beds hoping to avoid another long night of running through the halls of their old high school, late for a science test they also forgot to study for?
I can speak only for myself of course, but if other doctors are like me they frequently fall from the upright position to the supine with a mixture of exhaustion and disquiet - not every night mind you, but sometimes in the middle of the week when the work and home schedules collide in a fireball of kid’s games and telephone calls. I would be the first to acknowledge that coping with angst is not unique to those serving in health care, but in my opinion there is something particularly dreadful about lying awake at night wondering whether one’s treatments are going to help a young mother live long enough to see her daughter’s next birthday. Take that cheery thought now and repeat it for say, five hundred nights in a row and one can see why oncologists don’t have to visit a professional to look like Boris Karloff by the time they turn forty. A king’s fortune awaits the inventor who can create a pill to guarantee sweet fantasies during the nightly repose.
I bring this topic up today because of a recent dream I had. This meditation was not during sleep, however, but while visiting a terminally ill patient. She and I were discussing the mundane details of her care while avoiding the gray spectre standing silently in the corner, when suddenly she smiled and told me how much she was looking forward to her new life - free from suffering and worry. Her simple expression of faith not only comforted her but shattered the despondency in the room as if from the blow of a majestic sword. As I listened to her my mind began to wander. I had a vision of a large group of people standing on a tarmac next to a jet plane. They joked with each other as they waited their turn to shake my hand. I asked each of them the same question - “What is this all about?” From each I heard this reply:
“My time here is finished. I’m boarding the next flight to eternity.”
The sense of peace flowed through them as they said their goodbyes. No one could tell me when I was scheduled to fly so I just stood aside as the airplane rose in the golden sky, a black shadow banking across the setting sun. I watched the silver arrow fade into the inscrutable deepness of the sky, then turned and shuffled back to the hospital.
All of us have a one-way ticket out of here. As we drift off to sleep tonight, let us give thanks for the opportunity to serve those who are ahead of us in line, as we ask those behind us to do the same when our flight number is called.
I suppose in a way I’m fortunate - I hardly ever remember my dreams, and I sleep like the dead. I could be having a recurring dream where I show up late to school, forget I had a test, and murderous zombies eat my arm and all my clothes so that I’m naked in front of the whole school. Or I could be experiencing my own private heaven every night. I’m perfectly happy waking up and not knowing either way.
Comment by Ali — April 22, 2005 @ 7:49 pm
Love the title of this one…. I get it.
You’re a clever guy.
Comment by Feisty — April 23, 2005 @ 1:19 am
Many thanks for the metaphor. Now, what is the name of that tune “Taking off on a jet plane” by John Denver. Oh, yes that is it. For a Friday afternoon me thinks I’m a wee bit too serious. Party on dudes!
Comment by azalea — April 23, 2005 @ 1:50 am
LEAVING on a jet plane.
Comment by Feisty — April 23, 2005 @ 3:45 am
Very nice.
Comment by Maria — April 23, 2005 @ 5:16 am
You’re a wizard with the words!
Comment by poopie — April 23, 2005 @ 3:36 pm
I must say, after losing both of my parents suddenly in October, I commend you on your beautiful description of this life of eternity…without suffering. My mother was an Oncology nurse for almost 30 years–I can see how this optimistic way to approach death seems to get in your blood. I wish that I could shake your hand…
Too bad that I hate flying….:o)
Comment by MDWannaB — April 25, 2005 @ 5:24 am
Precisely.
I can’t tell you how much you’ve reflected my insight and what makes me feel very comfortable with becoming an oncology nurse. You have a special blend of patience, optimism, fortitude and vision. Keep on keeping on.
Comment by ThirdDegreeNurse — April 25, 2005 @ 3:21 pm
You have a special blend of patience, optimism, fortitude and vision. Keep on keeping on.
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